A few years ago I was introduced to Dr. Brené Brown's Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, a book about having the bravery to belong fully to oneself, even when (perhaps especially when) one doesn't seem to belong anywhere else. Fast-forward to the other night when I woke from a dream about a building's foundation cracking, a building in which I played a leadership role for others. The moment I woke up, I thought of Dr. Brown's book. I immediately perceived the cracked foundation in my dream as a failure of leadership on my part, namely a failure to help others feel a sense of belonging in connection with me, especially as I spend time focusing on strengthening my personal container and boundaries. As I reflected on the dream, I wondered: To what extent am I responsible for facilitating a sense of belonging for others? I have a deep desire for everyone I encounter to feel a sense of belonging when they're around me. I remember what it was like to grow up not feeling a sense of belonging--it was awful. I found the beginning of an answer to my questions in rereading what Dr. Brown wrote about b.r.a.v.i.n.g. the wilderness: Boundaries - You respect my boundaries, and when you're not clear on what's okay and not okay, you ask. You're willing to say no. There's nothing wrong with my desire to help others feel a sense of belonging in my presence. The difficulty comes at the precise moment when I begin to value another person's sense of belonging over my belonging to myself. If I cater to another person's sense of belonging at my own expense--for example, by offering a person my ongoing trust when they have demonstrated over time that they don't have good boundaries, aren't reliable, don't practice accountability, don't respect the vault, don't practice integrity, don't practice nonjudgment of what people need, and/or aren't generous in their assumptions--then I am robbing myself of the very thing I aim to give.
What I'm discovering is that anyone else's sense of belonging--as much as I desire for them to experience it in connection with me--is not my business. My own sense of belonging is my business, and it is some of the most challenging business there is. To know myself and my value (and values) in such a deep way that I am able to stand tall without being automatically defensive around others, and also to have a wild and curious approach to the worlds outside and within me, is to belong to myself. Belonging to myself may not help others feel as though they belong in my presence, whether I hope for that or not. In fact, there's very little I can do for someone else's sense of belonging--the hard work of b.r.a.v.i.n.g. is theirs alone to choose. What I can do is lay a foundation for myself, b.r.a.v.i.n.g. my own wilderness to discover my belonging to myself, a belonging that has always been mine to claim by virtue of existing in this world. How do you practice b.r.a.v.i.n.g. the wilderness?
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